Glory Glory Hallelujah!

A little over a year ago, I was baptized at what is now my home church and shared my testimony with my brothers and sisters. My baptism was right before finals week so my testimony was a little rushed and I wasn't properly prepared to go up to the pulpit, but it was a tremendous blessing for me to see where God had brought me.

So fast forward to today. The weird thing about testimonies is that they are constantly growing. This is because God is constantly working in our lives. So I wanted to make a little annual tradition for myself to reflect and build upon my living testimony before a living God.

I remember that when I was first trying to write my testimony, I couldn't pinpoint the single event that brought me to Christ. I didn't see the flashing lights that Saul saw, and I took this as a sign that my own testimony was "nothing special". But one day, after men's discipleship, I was in James Chung's STI (r.i.p.) and talking to him about my testimony and I shared the same concern with him, that I couldn't pinpoint what brought me to Christ. His response was just to laugh a little bit and say "it was God!"

"It was God"

I was looking for some amazing story of a life/death situation to validate that my knowing Christ is a miracle. I wanted some moving story about how I beat smallpox and saved people from a burning building. But I failed to see the true miracle, that Christ took an incredibly hardened heart and an immature mind and broke them apart with His glory. It was ALL God.

What I realized is missing from my previous testimony is repentance. God showed me His glory. He showed me the good news. He showed me grace. But I never brought my sins before Him to be judged. I never brought my pride before Him to be crushed. I never asked Him to completely wipe my slate clean so that I could be reformed in the image of His perfect son.

Which brings me to where I am today. I've heard that God has to be the #1 priority in our lives over and over again. That everything has to be for building His Kingdom on earth. But today, I broke down in prayer and admitted that I have no idea what that means. I've seen examples through Christ, the disciples, Paul, etc. but I can't see how that fits into my life. I need Him to change my heart once and for all so that I can pick up my cross and follow Him.

I never imagined how hard it is to be a Christian. I stumble constantly and I am positive that I make others stumble as well. But what I do know is that our God, the one who brought me to hear His voice, can change my heart because "He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ". LORD, help me trust in You.

Let's all praise God together.

In closing...

1:27:58 AM me: that always helps me set things straight
1:28:07 AM me: "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus"
-Phillipians 3:13-14
1:28:24 AM highs0cieties: sick verse

sick indeed

Do the Wicked Never Lose?

There's nothing here worth saving

there's no one here at all

is there any net left, that can break our fall?

It will be a day like this one, when the sky falls down

and the hungry and poor and deserted are found

Are you discontented?

Have you been pushing hard?

Have you been thrown down this broken house of cards?

It will be a day like this one, when the world caves in

This Switchfoot song was the soundtrack for my trip in NYC. I took it from Roy's laptop and got hooked instantly. The feelings of emo-ness it produces while waiting for the 1 train at the 96th St Station are something else.

What made this song stick out to me was how it put my complaining heart in perspective. There's so much I seek for my own personal gain without even thinking if it glorifies God. We make hundreds, or even  thousands of decisions each and every day, but how many of them do we involve God in? Can you count the number on one hand? 

The short-term outlook is killing me. The moment I think of everything in terms of a 6-month time span is when I take my eyes off the terms of my salvation. And just like the mega i-banks that pawned off CDOs and SIVs like crack rocks and tailored everything to the year end bonus, it's truly a path to nowhere. 

Eugene was sharing with me how many of us get so caught up in what others have. There are non-believers that are more successful, healthier, have better relationships, and so many other things that even the most devout of believers do not. But he shared with me the following verse:

"Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another,

And the LORD listened and heard them;

So a book of remembrance was written before Him

For those who fear the LORD

And who meditate on His name

"They shall be Mine," says the Lord of hosts,

"On the day that I make them My jewels.

And I will spare them

As a man spares his own son who serves him

Then you shall again discern

Between the righteous and the wicked,

Between one who serves God

And one who does not serve Him."

-Malachi 3:16-18

God will always remember us for being faithful. If the author of our salvation can remember the lowliest of sinners, then we have no excuse for not remembering Him every waking moment of our lives. When we remember God, it doesn't matter what we have or don't have here, because we know what is waiting for us. Let's do better.

Ephesians 4:22

Thursday, November 14th, 2002
4:04 pm - henry's mu'ffuckin birfday

today was henry's birthday and he wanted grand theft auto vice city cause that's what we got for joel for his birthday on sunday. me, joel, and joseph chipped in money to buy henry's present and in algebra class, i had to wrap it in a book cover because joel bought the gift and he also let me borrow the money for my share. on my first try, it wasn't very successful because i had excess paper leftover and it looked all crinkled and ghetto. then i got a hall pass from the teacher and walked to the bookroom to get another book cover. it took me all period cause the rapper guy kept on telling jokes and i kept cracking up. then i wrote "happy mu'ffucking birthday nigga" on the front and wrote "from: joel (with 2 big ears on the sides of the o), vincent (=X =X =X =X =X =X), and joseph (with a -_- on the o). all in all it looked pretty nice but stupid joel erased "mu'ffucking" and on the back he wrote "joel paid for the whole thing." stupid flip. he thinks he's all smart but he's fucking dirty and ashy. i scratched his arm and all this ash fell from it and it felt like i was scratching an old lady or somethin. then at lunch there was a packet of taco sauce on the floor and i stepped on it cause i was wondering if there were anymore left in there. and then i guess i stepped on it too hard, and coincidentally, henry was standing right in front of me, and instead of going on his shoes or his pants, it went on his new sweater! damn i felt so bad and then joseph tried to be funny and kept on trying to stone-cold stun me. Happy birfday you nigga. HA stupid joel try to erase that u dirty filipino.

This is an entry from my friend Vince's livejournal. The date on it was over six years ago, when I was a sophmore in high school. I think I can speak for absolutely everyone when I say that we are very different from how we were six years ago. There's the obvious physical and circumstantial differences. I don't have that stupid haircut anymore, I put on a little (but not much more) weight, and my brother hit a borderline unfair growth spurt.

But things are different in much more significant matters as well. The person who wrote that entry six years ago is no longer alive. The question that I'm left with after reading this entry is, is the subject of the entry still alive as well? Is the same impulsive, hedonistic, duplicitous, arrogant, pugnacious 15-yr old still around?

What makes this question important is that in Ephesians 4:22, Paul emphasizes the importance of laying aside the old self. Prima facie, I think it's easy for me to say that I have set aside the old me. I spend my Sunday mornings and Friday nights in way that my 15-yr old counterpart never would have, I have the "religious views" box filled in on my Facebook profile, and I know who Chris Tomlin is. But that's nothing more than what's on the surface - prima facie.

Unfortunately, I think I fail when it comes to Paul's urging. Just because I hold my tongue doesn't mean that I am rid of the bitterness I harbored before. Just because I haven't choked off a bong rip in years doesn't mean I have stopped letting the worthless objects of the world have such a profound influence on me. And just because I pray before I sleep doesn't mean that I am truly repenting of my sin-ridden self.

But, in Christ, I will always have hope. The single most important event of my life from Nov. 14, 2002 until now was when I came to know Christ, and I'm going to redouble my efforts to truly show that it is. No matter what the world throws at me, it will be an awesome year. Praise God, and bring it on.

P.S. In the entry I quoted above, my French II teacher saw the GTA: Vice City game that was wrapped in the book cover and she was reading what my friends wrote on it. When she got to the "Happy Birthday Niga" part (it was missing a second "g"), she kept reading the "Niga" over and over trying to figure out what it was. She then asked another student what a "nye-gah" was and the student replied "try pronouncing it another way". She then looked at it again, said "oh my" and handed it back to me with a shocked look on her face. Classic Vince.

The Burger Court and Why You Can't Always Have it Your Way (or Why I am Flip Flopping on the 11th Hour)

What to do with Prop 8...

A "yes" vote entails - ultra-conservative, narrow-minded fascist who endorses discriminatory practices to preserve a status quo

A "no" vote entails - godless homosexual with no respect for traditional family values which potentially opens the floodgates for all sorts of abhorrent sins

Not voting at all entails - coward who should move to Saudi Arabia where all legislative agendas will comfortably be picked for you by the royal powers that be

Obviously, these are all gross exaggerations (except for "not voting at all". if you don't want to do your basic duty as a citizen, then you are a motherf****** p*****). 

Anyone who has talked to me about the issue, overheard me talking  about the issue, talked to another person about my opinions on the issue, or inferred from my facial expressions my opinion on the issue knows that I am a "no" voter on Prop. 8.  

Why?  Simply, it is unconstitutional. 

Our government's job is to protect, preserve, and enforce the rights we enjoy for all citizens, regardless of race, ethnicity, religion, hair color, favorite sports team, geographic location, and SEXUAL ORIENTATION. I enjoyed attending schools with Chinese, White, Black, Mexican, Indian, Persian, etc. students and I have Brown v. Board of Education to thank for it. I like not looking for the "Koreans only" bathroom when my bladder is about to burst. Equal rights is an awesome thing and it's one of the things that makes me so proud to be an American. I think it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to not see a ban on same-sex marriage as anything other than discrimination.  You are creating a second-class of citizens that don't enjoy the same rights as the majority on the basis of one feature - their sexual orientation. 

But of course, there is the kicker - the "volta" if you will. Homosexuality is SIN. Not just because it is an uncomfortable notion or just because it deviates from the norm but because biblically, it is what you would classify as a sin. And therein, lies the bottom line. 

Is same-sex marriage rights a price I have to pay for enjoying the freedoms that I do now? I think it should be.

Does "yes" on Prop. 8 go against the Christian mantra of unequivocal love for all, including sinners? It might. 

Does it make me a hypocrite to enjoy these freedoms and tolerate discrimination against others based on sexual orientation? ABSOLUTELY

But what else can I do? It seems there's no middle ground in this case. "Civil unions" is Plessy v. Ferguson for the 21st century. My pastor said that whenever you are caught in a dilemma, side with grace. Am I really showing grace by voting "yes" on Prop. 8? 

There are a lot of questions about the issue that I have no idea how to answer. But I do know what the Bible says about homosexuality, and the day I came to know Christ was the day I vowed to serve Him. So it seems I have no other choice.

So I am going to vote "yes" on Prop. 8. I am going to say "yes" to discriminate and establish a status quo that seems incredibly undemocratic and fundamentally unamerican. Just like Warren Burger, I am going to take a stand against equality.  Not because of the ludicrously IDIOTIC arguments about gay marriage being taught in schools and the floodgates opening for all sorts of social deviants and the concept of family being destroyed (see Slippery Slope Fallacy), but because I am going by the only thing I know for sure. I think it is the only way to justify voting "yes" on Prop.8, because it is a sin and there is nothing more to be said on the matter.

Whether I vote "yes" or "no", I will be disgusted with myself so it is better that I side with God, right?

P.S. I am not advocating you to vote any certain way. The only way a democracy will truly represent the will of the people is if the people vote according to what they think is important, not what some blogger tells them. So do your part, think about the issues, and cast your ballot with your OWN views in mind.

"Here I Am"

Out of everything in Genesis 22, I found the reply "Here I Am" to be the most striking. We all know about how God repaid Abraham's faithfulness and trust when he offered up Isaac. It's not a small nor insignificant lesson by any means but the main sticking point for me is how Abraham responds to God's call.

"Here I Am"

I find "living for God" and "walking with Christ" to be just as cliché as Obama's call for "change". I find that too many times, rather than responding to God with "here I am", I respond with "hold on a minute, I'm busy" or "..., I'm tired" or "..., I'm hungry" or "...., I have to go to the bathroom", and you get the point. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to hear what He is telling me.

It's all too easy to think of dying for Christ when there are the angels spilling their bowls filled with blood and what not upon the earth. If you saw all this happening, then of course you would respond the same way Abraham did. But what makes today any different? What makes it so hard to respond, right now, with a firm, resonant, "here I am?"

Money?
The new Macbooks?
The World Series?
The election?
The new episode of Heroes?

"Most men forget God all day and ask Him to remember them at night"

Let's all fix our eyes upon what really matters.

There is a Light and it Never Goes Out

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hears through the Holy Spirit who was given to us"

-Romans 5:3-5

Well the time just flew, and test date is now officially two weeks away.  LSATs are grueling to say the least.  There is a huge sense of uneasiness that is setting in but at the same time, I am looking forward to the prospect of being done (with this phase of the process at least).  Though I don't feel quite ready, I will be.

I feel that through this whole process, my prayer life has gotten a lot stronger than before.  Part of it has to do with those moments when I'm just completely sick of doing logic games, or assumption questions and I want to take my eyes off 12pt. Times New Roman for a bit.  But, the bigger part of it is that I feel I am becoming more cognizant of my role in God's "big picture".  To clarify, I am beginning to understand what is required of me as a part of the bigger picture, and one important realization is that there is absolutely nothing I can do without God.  There is no characteristic I possess that allows me to be less reliant on God than any other person, and in light of this fact, I have been seeking God much more fervently.  The joy of realizing how little I can do on my own comes from knowing that I can always seek an audience with God to ask for help.  It is not on the basis of this alone that I glorify Him, but it does strengthen the case.

So as I descend into the last two weeks of LSAT fun, I ask for your prayers.  Don't pray that I get a 180 on test day, but pray that whatever I do is God's will.  If I do get a 180, awesome.  If I get really sick and throw up on my test and get banned from all administrations of the LSAT for life, great.  I will praise God either way.

P.S. The title of this post is a song by The Smiths.  It's not related to anything in this post, but it is an awesome song (very much worth an illegal download).

Ephesians 5:1-2

"If you are repentant, it means that you love.  And if you love, you already belong to God... With love everything is bought, everything is saved.  If even I, a sinful man, just like you, was moved to tenderness and felt pity for you, how much more will God be.  Love is such a priceless treasure that you can buy the whole world with it, and redeem not only your own but other people's sins.  Go, and do not be afraid"

-The elder Zosima, from the Brothers Karamazov

Fyodor, you slay me with your words... God, you bring me to my knees.

There is Nothing to be Sorry About Between Friends

Dear Vince;

I can't believe it's already been over two months since you've passed. I remember that when you were still with us, I would start wondering where you were if I didn't have any contact with you after two days. The world hasn't been too different since your funeral but my life has been completely changed. Every now and then, I just randomly drift off and remember a conversation I had with you and it really hurts me that these memories are all I have left now.

When I first found out you passed away, I was filled with regrets. I felt sorry that for all the times you asked me to come out and I stayed home to study or all the times that I got annoyed or got in an argument with you. All I saw were hundreds of missed opportunities that I took for granted. I mean how could I have taken them for anything BUT granted? You were such a health freak that I thought you would be alive until you were over 100. You can't imagine how your passing hit me, because it just didn't add up. I sat at my desk dumbfounded for what seemed like hours after Matt called me.

After the initial shock subsided, I didn't know what to do other than to pray. I was praying for you while you were battling that tumor and that was the only option I felt I had left. In my prayers, even though I was absolutely wrought with grief and shock, I couldn't help but thank God that you were a part of my life. I was so thankful to have your influence in my life and I still am. All the conversations, laughter, and arguments that we shared were things that I felt had a lasting impact on me and they were all things that I couldn't help but thank God for. It's funny because that night, I was just praying that I could hear from you one more time and all of a sudden, my phone rang. I was disappointed at the fact that my caller ID showed the name "Timothy Lee" (j/k Tim!) but while we were talking, he just encouraged me with his condolences and also by just reminding me to trust God.

You have no idea what kind of impact you left on the people you came in contact with. Even people you met for just a couple of hours remembered you as a good guy and a positive person. I was talking to Steve that night and I remember he responded to the news by saying "What the heck!?!? I LIKED VINCE!" It's a real tragedy that more people didn't get to experience your influence in their lives.

Later that week, Steven led a prayer with a bunch of my friends and he shared with us this verse from James, "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away (James 4:14)". It's no mystery that we all have short lives on this planet but how sudden your passing was really helps me be reminded to truly appreciate the time and love of all those around me. Your passing has a put lot into perspective and I really want to make sure that I do not lose sight of this invaluable lesson.

Matt and I visited your parents not too long after your funeral and all four of us just couldn't help laughing when we were sharing our stories about you. It's incredible how even after you've left us, just the memories we have of you are filled with such positivity. At your viewing, Vince's dad asked all of your friends to not remember death as a part of you, and to remember you as a positive, healthy, funny, loving person. He was absolutley right, your death is not a part of you in any way. Matt and I actually joked that the way you passed doesn't even coincide with your character because we figured that the only way you would go out is doing something crazy or stupid (like racing Chik down Fullerton on a rainy day).

I titled this post "There is Nothing to be Sorry About Between Friends" because it was a quote from the movie 친구, which was one of the last times we were all together. It's incredible how much truth is in such a simple line, because I realize that even though I may have regrets, there is no point in being sorry. All I have is constant thanks for the memories we have and whenever I feel overwhelmed by your passing, I just remind myself to be thankful that I was able to have such a wonderful influence in my life since as long as the 5th grade. Every time I visit your gravesite on Sunday after church, I can't help but laugh at least once when I reflect upon the memories I have of you.

I think it goes without saying that it is a real tragedy that you did not get to see your 21st birthday, but all of us who loved you are here celebrating your memory Vince. I can't describe how much I miss you and I hope that you are finally finding some time to relax. Thank you so much Vince, and be good up there bro.

Your Friend,
Henry

Rationalizing the Faith

I think I'm going to sneak in one more post before I call it a night.

The lot of us seem to be bothered by a lot of theological questions because it seems that any form of organized religion and the concept for "the power of ourselves" seems to deeply contradict. The whole idea of submitting to an anthropomorphic (or maybe not depending on your faith) deity seems to be clear cut proof of the claim "religion is for the weak". I admit, shamefully, that I felt that religion had absolutley nothing it could offer to my personal growth and development.

So why do I got to church and why do I proclaim that I am a Christian and a humble servant of Christ. What caused the change and what driving force further pushes this change?

The very first sermon I attended at my current church, DFC (Downey First Church), my pastor was going over the book of Ephesians and his sermon was centered around "living a worthy life". This sermon really resonated with me because I have always placed a huge emphasis on education in my own personal development. Being versed in metaphysics, ethics, debt securities, torts -- I always felt that the measure of a man was equal to the measure of his knowledge. However, this sermon lead me to question what the worth in such a world view was. It was obvious that the focus in such a view was ME. The rationale was that I know what is best for myself because I know what I need to do be considered succesful, cultured, and a good person. However, what is the WORTH of such a view? Is there any value in such a relentless pursuit of self aggrandization? Can there be any fulfillment? Basically, what the f*ck are we living for?

And that was when I knew. A life of value, of worth -- a good life, is a life that is not centered on yourself. It is a life of service. Service to mankind and more importantly, service to the LORD. Outside our own little narcissistic bubbles, I feel that there do exist obligations that we must fulfill. There is an expectation for us, as human beings, to serve one another. And what better light is there for us to follow in such a quest than Christ who served all of humanity through the ultimate sacrifice. It seems to me that such an obligation to LOVE one another through service is our calling because of what Christ did for us. I think that is why so many people see the Bible as a crock of sh*t, because it is unfathomable that such a selfless sacrifice can exist in the world today. It sounds so unreal that it can ONLY be a fairy tale. However, regardless of what others may think, I feel that if I live to serve as Christ served, than how is it possible for me to live anything other than a worthwhile life?

During our college retreat a few weeks ago, my small group leader asked "what do you think is the biggest change in your life since you became a Christian". And to me, the answer was obvious. I no longer feel any sense of misdirection or aimlessness in my life. I know that I am fulfilling a purpose that I know is worthwhile and that I know will help me grow into who I want to be. Of course there is still uncertainty, and there are a ton of things I am crossing my fingers about. But as a Christian, you have a feeling that you are standing on solid ground, and that the path ahead of you, while difficult, will always take you where you want to go. Call it foolishness, weakness, or irrationality, but trust me when I say that this kind of faith requires much more out of you than any midterm or final will, and the rewards are far greater.

I know that this post was really jumbled, filled with grammatical errors, and not very clear (I usually try and make it a point to map out my posts so that I can practice writing techniques) but it was something that I really wanted to write for a while now and I didn't want to give myself any excuses this time. Thanks for reading.

Cheers,
henrO